William's Lenten Challenge

Day 0- My Goals for Lent


It's that time of the year again when those in the know, the believers, begin to concentrate on the things that make them weak or the things that they need to get better at and then act accordingly during Lent. Usually I was a simple Lenter, if you will, giving up fast food or the like. Mostly soda which was a terrible habit for my whole life. But then I got married and the wonderful Faith doesn't drink soda so I don't either. She doesn't eat fast food so that means I don't either. The more I thought about it most of the things I would already give up I don't do anymore. I had a nasty Twitter habit for the better part of last year but I deleted the app on my phone and left with only the terrible HTC Sense Twitter app, Peep, I check it maybe once a week. Facebook isn't a problem either. So I decided that instead of giving things up, I would work hard to find a better relationship with God or at the very least grow deeper in my faith. My faith is a bit shaky as of late so this is, I think, a huge step for me in a very positive direction. The real problem was that I thought of myself a superhuman I suppose and I had no need for God in my life. But after the birth of Logan I feel small compared to the world and amazed that something so precious was made from pure love. I don't think it was just science any more. Instead of giving something up I decided that I would write a bit about what I was struggling with daily or how I found God in my day to day. I hope that in the end I can look back on this as a growing Lent that leaves me a better husband, father, son, and overall person. I just hope I can find the time to update daily! Prayers are encouraged, this could get rough.

Day 1- Ash Wednesday

Work has been slightly stressful this week. The past few weeks, praise God, have gone smoothly when I needed them to the most. Now, perhaps the problem itself, people are not breathing down my neck to get our newest product out the door and people are getting lax and when people get lax, mistakes happen. This week has been one mistake after another. Yesterday was the absolute worse, I was ready to pull my hair out. When I reached my breaking point I left my work area and sat in my silent office and ate some apples. Not once did I consider saying a prayer which in retrospect I think is a bigger problem than the problems with the product. I made an off hand comment to my boss that "I deserved a bad day to remind me that I wasn't in control" which a co-worker remarked is a good attitude. I would agree with him, the problem is I don't have that attitude, I just said that. When I was losing my mind with stress, I should of turned to God and asked for a little help or at least the idea of knowing that there was something else in control would of calmed me down some.

I went to Ash Wednesday mass and the gospel was the one about how you should pray alone in your room and not make a show of it. Which I love, probably my favorite passage in the whole book. The reading inspired me to wipe off my ashes when I got to work, not from embarrassment but because I didn't want to show off that I used my lunch to go to church. It just didn't feel right.

Lastly I think to make this work I need to explore what kind of relationship I want to have with God, which led me to think about other religious people in my life which further led me to wonder who I respect in this world. I couldn't think of anyone.

Day 2 - Slightly Better, but much Worse

Today wasn't so bad but I did ponder the two questions I posed yesterday. I really have no idea who I respect and in that sense I mean who I respect religiously. I have a real problem mistrusting severely religious people and I'm not sure why. I think in my past I've been burned and it's tough to open back up. Faith has a few friends whom I respect greatly for their Christian works but overall there is no one that I look toward when I feel weak in my faith, which is constantly. I know I should look toward God but right now that isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

I didn't pray and thank God for an easier day today, I went about it like I was in control again. Can't wait to learn that lesson again. Sometimes I think I strive to have a strained relationship with God because it seems like that is a respectable relationship to have. I think about people like Johnny Cash that have Christian albums but struggled with his faith. I don't want to be Kirk Cameron, but would that be so bad? I used to respect Mel Gibson because he used his medium to reach people, film, which is the medium I respect the most. Of course he doesn't deserve my respect anymore. I guess in my mind I want my relationship to God and overall my faith to be like that scene in Fellowship of the Ring, when Frodo and pals arrive at the Prancing Pony. They are looking for Aragorn, or Strider, who is supposed to aide them in their quest. I don't know why that scene always pops in my head but I think of my faith like how Aragorn is framed in that scene, smoking, half in the dark, mysterious, and slightly dangerous. I wonder why I struggle with fully embracing God?

Day 3 - A Good Friday

Work was stressful again today and I found myself again struggling once again to make my life fit with God's. Luckily Faith got a call from one of her friends to come over for dinner, we couldn't but decided to do desert instead. It turned out to be the best decision we had made all week. We had a wonderful chat about my beliefs and where I was going and what I wanted to accomplish. They were in my mind what a true Christian should be which will help chip away at some of my preconceived notions! I felt wonderful leaving their home, it was a great start to the weekend.


Day ? - - Tough to Find Time.

I sit here sipping coffee, occasionally glancing at my sleeping baby boy, briefly glance at the risen sun and seriously struggling to do this. Faith told me that one of her friends was disappointed that I wasn't keeping up with this and I'll admit, I am too. The easy excuse is that I couldn't find time and yes I was incredibly busy with work recently but I still found time to play Angry Birds so why is something so beneficial to me so hard to work at? Because it is tough. Just plain hard. Luckily on the other side of two rough work weeks, I can say with confidence that I feel better.

Logan is shuffling.

Anyway, I think that the title of this post is devilish words. OF COURSE I CAN FIND TIME. I just didn't want to do it. Faith and I had a deep talk last weekend about the Bible. I was a pretty staunch non-believer in the Bible, throwing it out as more of a history than God's word and at this very moment I still slightly feel that. But we talked and she explained beautifully some problems I had with it and I had this crazy realization of WHY NOT? I had to stop myself and consider why I was such a doubter, it really made no sense. I fired back at Faith, "I believe in ghosts, why can't I believe in the bible?" Of course that rational might not make sense to you but it does to me. I guess the best way I can see it is that I can't comprend space and when I try to my head hurts and I usually make a mind-blown-hand-gesture to Faith and she smiles nods and continues on doing whatever she was previously doing. I went through a tough emotional time about 2 1/2 years ago where I would go outside at night, stare at the stars and beg to know the answer. I don't know what the answer was that I wanted, but I thought I might find it in the stars. Well the stars are God and they blow my mind. Back to the point, I don't/can't comprehend space but I know it's there. I can't comprehend a Garden of Eden, SO WHY DOES THAT MEAN IT DOESN'T EXIST?

Because there is no evidence etc.

But for some reason that doesn't matter to me so much anymore. I feel like my fear of God, in that I don't understand him, drives me to believe. It's kind of backwards...and maybe it isn't.

I think I'm making progress too and most of these past nights I've had dreams about my past life and the people in it. That was a life I enjoyed, sure, but not one that I want anymore, but even if it isn't, I think those dreams are the devil tempting me. He's a fallen angel and not God so I guess he doesn't know how hard headed and determined I can be.