Imagine a world where your every move and desire was connected to how much stuff you could own. It might not be hard, it's a side effect of capitalism to an extent. But that was how I used to live. I would literally pay each month just enough on my credit card so I could buy two Blu-Rays a month. I was spending forty ish bucks a month on two items that would sit on my shelf and do little more. Half of the Blu-Rays I own, I've never watched.
But it doesn't stop there, I felt that way about everything. I had to own every book I ever wanted; the library was a four letter word. Often I would get everything I thought I wanted only to fill my Amazon wish list with more. The clicks kept coming but I still felt pretty empty. Why was it that that full bookshelf of movies and books never gave me more than a moments satisfaction?
I was still struggling with this when Faith and I started seeing each other, as I had my whole life. I was always something of a "collector" as it is nicely called but I think it was something worse. I would literally live, in highschool, from Amazon package to Amazon package that would be filled with some used CD that would add to my collection but not help my soul. Marrying Faith and having Logan drastically helped me conquer this addiction.
I used to tell myself, "oh you never know who might want to borrow a movie or something" which is essentially true, I was trying to find a place in this world through my belongings. I would go to forums and look at other people's Blu-Ray collections comparing them to my own. I never uploaded my own pics mostly because I never thought it was enough. I guess 500+ movies wasn't enough. Now I am in no way condemning buying movies or collecting them, I still do it time to time what I suppose I am getting at is that I was searching for identity in possessions.
While Faith was pregnant we decided to start to clean up and live a downscaled life. I was hesitant at first to say the least but when I looked at my collection I was ready to get rid of if all. I hadn't been buying as many movies or books at the time and hadn't even noticed. I wasn't in need of filling my soul with things, I had the love of Faith to get me by. It became easy and I loaded up four bags full of books, movies, and music I didn't need nor any longer want. It didn't feel right anymore and the amount was slightly embarrassing. But I was not free.
I don't know if this small story is just me growing up or me realizing something about life. Which is something that I'm beginning to realize more and more as Faith and I get deeper in love, our faith grows stronger together, and Logan gets older, there is no possession that matters. And I still struggle with it. We recently went to Scripture Haven and I wanted so many books and versions of the bible and I had to stop myself, just because it's not secular doesn't make it better.
It helps me to think about the happiest moments of my life and realize what makes them great. It is never the book but the experience, not the movie but the conversation after. That disc didn't bring me happiness it was what the disc did, bring people together.
I wish I could be forever cured of my material addiction but it's a process and relapse is easy. On bad days I literally want to go blow money to make myself feel better or surf Amazon for hours; there is a reason it's my home page. But instead I think of all God has given me in life, a great family, a wonderful wife, an amazing son, and suddenly a simple piece of plastic that spends endlessly seems so pointless. I hope when I die I'm remembered in the hearts of loved ones as someone who was a great husband, father, and son; not as the man with the largest collection of stuff. Logan would probably just donate it away anyway.
